Winning Kontrabida Lines

As a rule, I avoid watching Pinoy telenovas like a plague. Apart from my usual whining (predictable plot, terrible acting, really bad sets and costumes), these afternoon and primetime boob-tube fodders highlight the Filipino, if not human nature, at its worst. It’s stretching my already overstretched imagination how a character can be abused for months on end every day by a truly abusive evil kontrabida and his/her family whose sole purpose in life is to plot and plan unceasingly to erase the said character and his/her family from the face of the earth. Or how the bida can be mauled and maimed and left for dead and never ever die (if the bida does die, trust that he or she will be resurrected in the telenova’s sequel (or its iteration).

Having said that, I must confess to the guilty pleasure of hearing the kontrabida’s one-liners, which I consider as the telenovela’s only saving grace. Here are a number of oldies but goodies shared by a colleague (a closet telenovela aficionado):

“What’s that? Do you hear that? Oh, it’s the sound of me not caring.” “You think you’re good enough? Think again.” “Ipinanganak ako para guluhin ang buhay mo!” “What a coincidence.UGLY starts with ‘U’.” “Ang ganda ng babaeng ipinalit mo sa akin. Mula ulo, mukhang paa!” “Mabilis ba mabuntis ang mga bobo? Bakit ang dami niyo?” “Malakas ka pala kumain. Halatang galing sa hirap.” When you see an ugly baby: “Magtanim na tayo ng maraming damo, kasi dumadami din ang mga mukhang kabayo.” When an officemate called me fat, I said: “Kaming mga matataba, puwedeng pumayat. Eh kayong mga pangit?” “Siguro taga-Marikina ka, kasi mukha kang takong!” From a former teacher: “I won’t pass you. I want to see you suffer.” “Karma’s a bitch, and so are you.” From Iisa Pa Lamang. Claudine to Angelica: “Gusto mo maglaro tayo? Agawan ng mana.” “Are you having a freak show that I’m not aware of?” One friend hardly drinks but eats tons of pulutan. She’s fat, and not very pretty. During one inuman, we saw the plate of chicharon empty after just a few minutes. Another friend addressed her: “Huy, bawal yan, cannibalism!” Overheard, a girl talking to another girl: “Shucks, it’s so hard to be pretty noh? Ay sori, you wouldn’t know nga pala.” “Pag tinititigan kita, naniniwala na ako na ang tao galing sa unggoy.” “Wag ka mag-alala, malapit nang mawala sa uso ang skinny jeans.” “Everyone’s entitled to be stupid, but you’re abusing the privilege!” “Mabuti ka pa, mayaman ako. Samantalang ako, mahirap ka. Anong palagay mo sa akin, tanga ka?” From Iisa Pa Lamang. Claudine: “Gusto ko pag pasok ko, ipagtitimpla mo agad ako ng kape. Yung dark, very dark. Kasing pait ng buhay na ipatitikim ko sa ‘yo!” “Whatever look you were aiming for, You missed.” “Kailangan na natin ng bagong biktima. Hindi na humihingi ng awa ang isang ito.” From Iisa Pa Lamang. Cherry Pie Picache after she lost her fortune: “Ganito pala ang feeling ng hampaslupa! Kaloka!” “Giniginaw ako. Magsunog ng alipin!”